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<h2 style="color: red; font-size: 12pt" align="left">Parental Adjustment to College:</h2>
<h2 style="color: red; font-size: 12pt" align="left">A Parent’s Guide to the Five Stages</h2>
<p></p>
<p><strong>Stage One: Separation, Loss and Grief</strong></p>
<ol>
<li>Stay busy yourself.</li>
<li>Set the example for your son or daughter.</li>
<li>Expect to miss him or her.</li>
<li>Remember this loss is normal and the result of success.</li>
<li>Remain calm, especially with your son’s or daughter’s difficulties.</li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Stage Two: Letting go and testing the line</strong></p>
<ol>
<li>Be a good listener; keep your comments to a minimum.</li>
<li>Show interest in what he/she is sharing with you.</li>
<li>Have an open mind — his or her interests differ from yours.</li>
<li>Be encouraging and positive.</li>
<li>Do not push; avoid overt expression of anger.</li>
<li>Stay in touch without being invasive.</li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Stage Three: New Beginnings and New Rules</strong></p>
<ol>
<li>Things have changed, so expect and welcome differences.</li>
<li>Make the most of visits home; celebrate within reason.</li>
<li>Send care packages, again within reason.</li>
<li>Negotiate new adult rules for your son or daughter.</li>
<li>Do not jump in to solve your son’ or daughter’s problems.</li>
<li>Avoid hovering over your son or daughter like a “helicopter” parent.</li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Stage Four: New Opportunities and Advanced Responsibilities</strong></p>
<ol>
<li>Expect gradually more responsible behavior and self-sufficiency.</li>
<li>Continue to support good decision-making through discussion of choices.</li>
<li>Be a “referral” source, not a “solution” source.</li>
<li>Let him or her know these are his or her problems to resolve, often with help.</li>
<li>Establish an emergency code word for when things get too tough.</li>
</ol>
<p><strong>Stage Five: Welcoming Home and Feelings of Ambivalence</strong></p>
<ol>
<li>Most students want to be welcomed home on breaks as conquering heroes.</li>
<li>Most do not want the same “high school” rules applied to them now.</li>
<li>Both parents and students feel a certain uneasiness about the reunion.</li>
<li>Try to see you son or daughter with new eyes while providing some familiar reminders of love and affection.</li>
<li>Discuss what has changed and what will change in the future.</li>
<li>Remain positive; this process will continually evolve for the best.</li>
</ol>
<p>With change comes the opportunity for substantial growth. All growing people need support, understanding, and most importantly, trust. After the feelings of loss begin to ebb, parents must trust their son or daughter to make the best decisions he or she can, given the circumstances he or she is in.</p>
<p>Initially, parents can feel a deep sense of loss when their “child” goes to college. It can be both an exciting time as well as an anxious time. Parental protectiveness can kick into overdrive. As in the past, parents instinctively know that to show fear only exacerbates the child’s fear or worry. It takes a special kind of restraint to non-verbally show that this change is not to be feared, but to be embraced. If parents have difficulty with this loss, it is inappropriate to share this grief with their child. It is better to confide in a friend, spouse, or confidant. It also is helpful to remember that SIUE has been educating people for nearly 50 years.</p>
<p>Parents generally can expect their son or daughter to spend more time with his or her peers and begin to distance himself or herself from the family. This distancing is normal and necessary for the student to begin defining an adult identity. In the beginning, parents will note that their son or daughter will “wear” this adult identity some of the time. As time progresses, he/she will wear it more and more.</p>
<p>Parents should familiarize themselves with SIUE’s Web site and all the support services the University provides (usually free of charge). It will be important to redirect the college student to the appropriate on-campus resources for several reasons: 1) you get what you are paying for, 2) it teaches self-sufficiency, 3) the service is probably more able to help the student and has dealt with similar issues in the past, and 4) it allows the parent to be supportive without being invasive.</p>
<p>Parents can give their son or daughter a code word to use when he or she cannot handle a situation and need immediate parental help. The code word gives the parent permission to come and handle the situation the parent’s way. Ideally, the student will never use this emergency code word, but feels assured and comforted by its presence, like the fire extinguisher that is never used.</p>
<p>It is best if parents can remind themselves that their son or daughter is enrolled in college in order to grow. Chances are parents will not like or appreciate every change their student makes. It helps to think about college as a process that slowly evolves. Trust of the student and this process is essential. However, if your son or daughter had problems in math in high school, he or she probably will have problems with math in college. Based on your knowledge of your son’s or daughter’s strengths and growth edges, anticipate what he/she will need, and connect him/her with the appropriate resource on campus that best matches that need. Remember, this is a natural and normal process that will need to take its own course and will be either hindered by your attempts at control, or enhanced by your support, encouragement and trust.</p>
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<h3></h3>
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<h3></h3>
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<h3>Show your support for<br />your student; visit SIUE<br />during Family Weekend</h3>
<p>October 6-8</p>
<p>See below for a list of events.</p>
<p><span>Please logon to <a href="http://www.siue.edu/CAB/homecoming.htm">www.siue.edu/CAB/homecoming.htm</a> for more information.</span></p>
<p>Chili Cook Off</p>
<p>Homecoming Soccer Game Casino Night<br /> Just 4 Laughs – Comedian University Housing Trivia SIUE Club Football<br /> Club Football Tailgating<br /> Sig Ep Scramble – Four Person Golf Scramble Families, Friends, and Fun Bowling Tournament<br /> Classic and Custom Car Show<br /> Rock Climbing Wall<br /> School of Business Bike Ramble<br /> Campus Recreation 5K Poker Run<br /> Homecoming Soccer Game Chili Cook Off<br /> Sunday Brunch<br /><br /></p>
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<p>Published by:<br /> SIUE Office of Student Affairs<br /> 2306 Rendleman Hall<br /> SIUE<br /> Edwardsville, IL 62026</p>